Library Humor

There I was, at the service counter in the library trying, for the third time, to straighten out a problem with my library ID number, when a voice from the past came from behind me: “I didn’t know you knew how to read.”  It was Bill, LNF (which stand for Last Name Forgotten).  He played golf with the Tuesday/Thursday crowd when I first started, around 2012, but hasn’t played with us for several years.  He’s taller than I am by several inches, and is a former school teacher and superintendent in New York and Maryland.
“I’m still learning to read,” I replied, “and not doing such a hot job at it.”
Bill waited patiently while the very nice (and attractive) librarian worked her magic and assured me that the problem with my ID number was fixed.  I asked her to be sure my password was also correct, and when I told her what it was she assured me everything was in order.  
Meanwhile, Bill was making a show of copying my password and telling us he was going to use it to check out a few more books.
The librarian told him to be sure to pick out several bodice-ripping romance novels.
I waited for Bill to check out the books he already had and we stepped away to catch up a bit and share our health problems for a few minutes.  We both have atrial fibrilation and neuropathy in the legs.  Sadly, Bill also has Parkinsons.  
Obviously we didn’t step far enough away, because after a minute or two of our uplifting conversation, our librarian said: “As fascinating as this is, I have some other business to take care of and hope you will please excuse me.”
Who ever said librarians have no sense of humor?

Puzzle Piece Pilferer?

Panda Elegance

Again, a missing piece. This time an edge, a corner of a thousand piece “Panda Elegance” jigsaw puzzle. (If I have succeeded in including a photo, check the lower left hand corner.)

Grrrr! Ahrgg!

We wonder whether the house is haunted. Or is there some creature that preys upon jigsaw puzzle persons, snatching a piece here, a piece there, and husstling off to a secret hideaway to add a piece to an ever growing pile hidden somewhere humans are not able to penetrate.

We have searched on our knees with flashlights, brooms, and those fiber duster things (available only from Publisher’s Clearing House for four easy payments of $3.95. You get one long, adjustable one and one short one). No luck. No missing pieces located.

Although we are embarassed to admit it, we carefully watch family and friends and other visitors, but are certain that none have slipped a piece or two into a purse or pocket. We wonder about motive, but suspect we do have the occasional visitor who might be gleeful to hear about our thousand piece puzzle with only nine hundred nintey-eight pieces.

What to do?

We are hopelessly addicted to puzzling and not likely to let our frustration prevent us from the stressless hours of assembling dazzling pictures from tiny pieces of cardboard.

The puzzle manufacturers include contact information and urge us to get in touch if we experience problems or would like to shower them with compliments. One even sent us another puzzle. A different puzzle, but we enjoyed assembling it until we discovered the replacement puzzle was missing more pieces than the original one…..

We’re looking into ways to make puzzle manufacturers great again.

Good grief.

In-House Tech Support


Is there anybody who needs to know what tech support is? Didn’t think so.

How about “in-house?” And I don’t mean the opposite of outhouse.

Keeping things simple is usually the best approach, so today I write about the in-house tech support I have right at home, in the residence I share with my Love, my best friend, my only squeeze. My Love is my tech support.

In past confessions I have included my defeats at the prospect of most any plumbing project. Victories in other DIY (do-it-yourself) areas have been many, admitedley following minor disasters now and then, but in general household projects have been completed with much satisfaction if not pride. Plumbing projects have not been on that list of successes.

Until last weekend. That was when I availed myself of in-house tech support, who suggested I soak the offending cartridge (a Price Pfister kitchen faucet uses a cartridge) in vinegar to remove any offending particles, gunk, etc., to free up the handle enough so that we no longer have to use both hands to turn the faucet on and off.

At first I trotted out my usual defense; namely, the lack of logic in the suggestion. The cartridge is self-contained. Particles, gunk, etc. can not penetrate the exterior of said part. Besides, it’s the faucet handle, not the cartridge, that sticks. Besides, I added, I’ve already tried the troubleshooting tips on the Price Pfister website, none of which include the word vinegar. And I had already applied waterproof lubricant.

And so I soaked the cartridge in vinegar, once with it closed and again with it in the open position. Thanks to tech support the faucet now works smoothly, almost effortlessly, and there are no leaks.


IS, ISIS, ISIL, Da’ish, Daiish, Daesh, Dahes

Just to clear things up:

IS: Islamic State of Iraq

ISIS: Islamic State in Iraq and Syria

ISIL: Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant

Da’ish, Daiish, Daesh: all closely related to the Arabic word “dahes,” which has been translated as: “bigot who imposes his view on others.”

It started as IS back in October of 2006.

Most of us think of it as ISIS because that’s the term most every American journalist (print, TV, and radio) uses.

President Obama uses ISIL (the Levant an older term describing the far eastern part of what we think of as the much larger Mideast).

The French President and the U.S. Secretary of State use what we hear as simply “Dash,” which according to the translation above probably describes the group with understatement; i.e., imposing a view is an understatement when contrasted with the beheading people on the Internet.

Got it?

I sure don’t.

My thoughts about the entire area and our attempts to influence what goes on there seldom get past the basic reality that the region consists of tribal societies that have existed for centuries, killed each other for centuries, killed others that don’t agree with them or have something they want, killed each other for not believing what they believe (spiritually), killed others that don’t believe what they believe (spiritually), blame their problems on others (countries, societies, races, religions, etc.), often and tediously and publicly call for the elimination of others (countries, societies, races, religions, etc.), teach their children how to hate those who do not believe what they believe, and so on.

Who can blame the hundreds of thousands who are trying to get somplace else to live?

Warning: the following is satire: do not proceed if you will at any time accuse me of having seriously proposed any of the following:

If I had the proverbial magic wand I would:

      1. Help the refugees relocate to other Mideast countries where the culture, language, and average temperature will not be like Minnesota.

      2. Shut down most Mideast oil wells to eliminate the greed factor.

      3. Convene the leaders and order them to agree on separate locations where all the warring factions can have their own land, government, mosques, whatever, along with the promise that they will restrain from ever again trying to convince anybody else that their way is the only way. This of course will require redrawing the map, but why on earth would I stop this crazy set of suggestions before the new countries are set up and on the map? Let’s see: Sunnis there, Shia there, Wahhabis over there, expand Israel, expand Lebanon… problem.

      4. Eliminate, with prejudice, all “bigots who would impose their views on others.”

Give me a week or two to come up with the specifics……

Observe and Learn, Part 1 (Perhaps)

Things are piling up around here. Time to decide what to do about health insurance. Can’t possibly watch all the catchy new TV programs, not to mention football 5 days (and 4 nights) every week. And the World Series. And the NBA season has started. And the few surprises encountered on a recent short trip to hometown Chicago.

Here goes:

    • Did you know that if you rent a car from a Southwest Airlines partner for the additonal Rewards points you pay the rental car company extra for those points? Seems more like penalty points to me….
    • The HUMANA Medicare Advantage booklet contains 167 pages and lists roughly 920 medications. And if you happen to need a translator, you can get one in 16 languages. Plus English. I need an English one. Preferable one who will not only read to me but explain everything he or she is reading.
    • At Midway Airport in Chicago you can get pancakes and sausage and a cup of tea for just over $5, but be sure to bring along some sort of lap table so you can eat without having to sit in a highchair facing the rushing mobs of passengers who give you “tsk, tsk” looks for eating something from McDonald’s. And by the way, those highchairs have no footrests, so be careful when you leave your perch because your legs will have fallen asleep from having dangled in the air while you ate.
    • The “Medicare & You 2016” official U.S. government handbook provides you with another 163 pages to read. I no longer wonder why it’s called the health care “industry.” Printing costs alone must account for a healthy chunk of the budget. The manuals for the IBM computers I worked with back in the 60’s had fewer pages.
    • Airliner seats have not been made more comfortable.
    • Chicago traffic is more awful than it was just a few years ago, but not quite, yet, as bad as Singapore traffic. Or any large city in China.

Moving on……..

Truth Or Satire? Take My One-Question Quiz

There has been a spate of quizzes on Facebook lately.  Everything from “What One Word Describes You Best?” to “Answer These Questions and We’ll Guess Your Favorite Song.”  So I thought I’d chip in and offer a one-question quiz for those seekers of truth who simply are not able to resist answering questions on the Internet.

Here it is.  Multiple choice.

Which of the following are or were actual front page headlines in a major newspaper?

  1. Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends.
  2. Goldman Sachs Hires Single Morally Decent Human Being To Work In Separate, Enclosed Cubicle.
  3. Flooding on N.C. coast to rise.
  4. Man At Gym Just Watching TV.
  5. All of the above.
  6. None of the above.

Correct answer: c.  From the Raleigh News & Observer (N&O), January 31, 2015.  The others are satire, I say satire, from my daily calendar, produced by extremely talented writers at The Onion.

The N&O front-page above the fold article is chock full of astonishing disclosures, building on the headline in c., above.  Example: “More flooding will close roads, clog storm sewers, and damage streets and other public structures….”  Another example I would never have guessed: “Even moderate floods can hurt businesses, isolate neighborhoods, and disrupt transportation.”

As the kids say: Duh.

But we N.C. residents do have some hope, because our General Assembly has consistently thumbed its collective nose at studies produced by such clearly unqualified organizations as the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and the Union of Concerned Scientists, studies that predict, among other alarming items, that rises in the sea level that will cause “…minor tidal flooding as a near-daily event in the Wilmington area by 2045.”

God bless our leaders for deciding to ignore those reports and simply order the ocean to stop rising.

A few years back I heard a program on WUNC describing early homes built on the Outer Banks that floated when the flood-causing storms came.  I think that was a hundred or more years ago.

Our solution thus far: raise insurance rates for seashore properties and continue to rebuild roads, bridges, beaches homes, other buildings, golf courses, and whatever else the floods continue to wash away.  We could use an Internet quiz for our leaders that will point out better solutions.

Did You Happen To Notice?

A rider was tacked on the latest congressional budget bill by lobbyists from big banks.  What the rider does is to make it easier for FDIC banks to trade derivatives, which Warren Buffett once defined as “financial weapons of mass destruction.”  (See “Tilting at Hillary,” TIME Magazine, by Rana Foroohar, January 26, 2015, page 28.)

Derivatives may be described as financial instruments that depend on something else for their value.  For example, a stock call option is a derivative, because the owner of the option does not own the stock, but the value of the derivative depends wholly on the value of the stock.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren gave a “barn-burning” speech on the Senate floor in December in opposition to the rider, but only time will tell whether the rider survives as the bill makes its way through Congress.

Ms. Foroohar’s essay makes other points about other failed economic adventures; e.g., “trickle-down” and turning “to finance to generate quick-hit growth in tough times, deregulating markets or loosening monetary policy rather than focusing on underlying fixes for the real economy.  Shrugging and citing a market-knows-best philosophy to avoid difficult political decisions has been a bipartisan exercise for quite a long time now.”

And the ever-increasing gap between rich and poor and wage stagnation?  Senator Warren: “Between the 1930’s and the 1970’s, 90% of all workers shared 70% of all income growth.  Between 1980 and 2012, guess how much that 90% got?  Zero!”

Did you happen to notice…..?